


cherry bomb, feel it, yum

by LuxuriouslyLuminescent, MVforVictory, RinAngel



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cringe, Embarrassment, Humor, In-Universe RPF, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, My friends helped me write it, This is a garbage fire of a fanfiction, idolverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:41:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25298548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuxuriouslyLuminescent/pseuds/LuxuriouslyLuminescent, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MVforVictory/pseuds/MVforVictory, https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinAngel/pseuds/RinAngel
Summary: Mark tries putting Nair on his balls. It goes about as well as you'd expect.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 55
Kudos: 241
Collections: Rin & Min’s Crackfic Adventures !!





	cherry bomb, feel it, yum

**Author's Note:**

> This is a crack fic / drunken collaboration between RinAngel, MVforVictory, and LuxuriouslyLuminescent, written at approximately 2 AM on our Discord server. That's why it's sort of a dumpster fire. Big thanks to all our K-Pop Writers associates who supported us (or at least didn't condemn us) while we bared our soul.
> 
> MV: ~~im sosososo sorry i thought of this please forgive me~~ but thank Rin for fleshing out a good portion of this!! And Lume for helping too!!

“Mark, why are you calling me? Aren’t you home?”

“I need you to come here. I need help.”

“Dude, speak up! Taeyong is playing— hey, can you turn that down for a second? Mark is on the phone!” Johnny called out to the group, and immediately, the droning bass in the phone call’s background disappeared. “Sorry. Say again?”

_ Great. I wonder how many of them are there.  _ Mark swallowed with difficulty. “I’m in the 10th floor bathroom,” he said softly, voice wavering. “I need help. Come by yourself. Make an excuse. Seriously, don’t tell anyone what’s going on, okay?”

“How can I when  _ I _ don’t even know what’s going on?”

“Can you  _ please _ just come?”

Mark could hear the eye roll in Johnny’s voice as he sighed, “Okay,” and hung up. He let the phone slip out of his grip as another wave of burning pain hit him, and he leaned against the sink, forcing himself to breathe. He’d wiped it away the best that he could, but  _ fuck,  _ did it burn.

It was probably the dumbest, most short-sighted idea that Mark had come up with in quite some time. But what was he supposed to do, undress in front of Donghyuck for the first time and reveal his sasquatch status? 

He had always been fairly confident in his appearance, and definitely never had a reason to question the physical state of his junk when he knew no one was going to see it.

But that confidence had all but swan-dived out the window when he started dating Donghyuck—Easily one of the most attractive people he’s seen, with his smooth skin and lean muscles, and they were young,  _ healthy _ guys. It was only natural for things to progress as they were.

His boyfriend had dropped plenty of hints that he was ready to have sex for the first time, and Mark was  _ not _ about to let his own self-consciousness get in the way. But how, exactly, was one supposed to  _ shave their own ass? _

Nair had been his ingenious solution. And Nair had, evidently, been the wrong choice.

In the sink, Mark’s phone violently buzzed with a text message from Johnny:  _ “We’re on our way.” _

Mark’s blood ran cold despite the pain he was in, and he struggled to keep his hands steady as he typed back:  _ “NOT WE JUST YOU. I CALLED SPECIFICALLY JUST YOU FOR A REASON. IF I WANTED THE WHOLE FUCKING DORM TO KNOW THEN I WOULD HAVE JUST KNOCKED ON THE WALL AND YELLED TO JUNGWOO.” _

Johnny’s response was slow - Mark counted almost thirty seconds watching the “typing” bubble appear and disappear.  _ “Oops…” _

  
  


The elevator ride up to the 10th floor dorm was certainly an interesting one for Johnny. His groupmates’ reactions were all across the board: expressions ranging from panicked, in Taeyong’s case, to Jaehyun’s look of pure amusement. 

Johnny fell somewhere in between. On one hand, he couldn’t wait to see what fuckery Mark had gotten himself into  _ this time, _ but at the same time he couldn’t help but worry slightly at the tone of the younger man’s voice during the call.

Taeyong was the first to shoulder his way in, privacy forgotten as he pushed the door open.

“Mark, what’s—wrong…”

Johnny plastered himself against the rapper’s back to peer over his shoulder in an effort to see what made Taeyong’s voice drop off like it had.

“Oh.”

Mark stood there, covering his face with both hands and using the sink to hold himself up, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist.

“Mark,” Taeyong started again, “What did you need?”

“Uh…Could you help me first and I’ll explain after?” Mark breathlessly responded, voice shaking from both pain and embarrassment.

Jaehyun was too busy laughing to really do much, so Johnny nudged him out of the way to follow Taeyong into the cramped bathroom. Mark sent a glare his way as soon as he walked in, but it wasn’t too effective with the wide, glossy eyes and rosy hue along his cheeks.

“Drop the towel,” Jaehyun snickered from just outside the doorway, catching the final, fleeting moments of the glare before it completely fell away, pure mortification replacing it.

Groaning, Mark gave his face one final swipe before mumbling into his palms,  _ “Please, _ don’t laugh. I’m actually begging you, because this is already bad enough and I don’t think I could handle—”

“Hey,” Taeyong cut off the boy’s rambling with a soothing hand on his back, “We won’t laugh,” he assured, aiming a look at the two behind him, “Right, guys?”

Johnny was quick to nod, if only to get the problem out in the open faster, desperate to know what was going on, whereas Jaehyun could only fail to control his giggling.

It got to the point that Johnny just pushed Jaehyun further behind the wall and out of Mark’s sight, even if that did little to muffle the laughter coming from behind it.

“Okay, now will you tell us what’s wrong?” Taeyong tried again.

“Not until he’s gone,” Mark replied shakily, glaring at the empty doorway. Johnny sighed, poking his head out of the bathroom.

“All right, Jaehyun, you gotta—”

“What’s going on, hyung?” Jungwoo peered out of his own bedroom down the hall, a serious little frown on his face.

_ “Christ.” _ Mark closed his eyes and let his forehead fall softly against the cool marble countertop. “Close the door, okay?” He waited until Taeyong had done so - making the bathroom that much more cramped, Mark had to stand up straight to accommodate the three of them in there. “Listen, I fucking—  _ I put Nair on my junk, all right?” _ Mark’s voice was lowered to a soft hiss, one that hopefully wouldn’t travel through the door. “And I wiped it all off, but— I think it gave me a rash or something. Like, it  _ hurts.  _ I don’t want to go to the hospital! What if a sasaeng follows us to the hospital and somehow finds out that I—”

“Which junk?” Taeyong interrupted, obviously concerned. “Like, your balls? Or—”

_ “All of it.  _ **_All_ ** _ of it.” _

Johnny can’t help the snort that escapes him. “Are you serious? Who would even  _ do _ that?”

“It’s a lot more common than you’d think!” Mark tried to argue, but it had little weight when his lack of definitive research was what got him into this mess in the first place. “I just didn’t read the warnings…”

“That’s the first thing you’re supposed to do, but whatever,” Taeyong sighed.

“I just want to know why,” Johnny cut in, watching as Mark squirmed away when Taeyong grabbed at the towel.

“It’s not that weird!” Mark screeched as he tightened his grip, ignoring Taeyong’s mumbling of  _ ‘You wanted help, let me help, dammit,’ _ to send Johnny a pleading look.

“It’s pretty weird, dude.”

Almost as weird as watching Taeyong finally get a good enough grip on the towel to yank it completely off, revealing angry red patches of sore-looking skin all over Mark’s…  _ everywhere. _ Yuck. Johnny didn’t let himself look for too long.

“Holy shit, what’s wrong with you?” Johnny grimaced. He can feel a shiver travel down his spine staring at the irritated skin, hating to imagine what it felt like. 

“Can you stop staring and just help me?” Mark stared down at the ground, cheeks ablaze, a hand moving to cover himself. 

Taeyong shook his head and turned Mark around. “Alright, alright. Let’s just get this over with.”

Mark was herded into the tub, standing awkwardly as Taeyong frowned in thought. 

“You’re gonna have to kneel…” He eventually mumbled. Johnny let out another snort, giving Mark a sympathetic smile in return for the glare he was being thrown. Mark sighed with a shake of his head and knelt down, pressing his palms flat against the cool acrylic of the tub’s interior. He glanced back over his shoulder; Taeyong was reading the back of the Nair bottle, biting absently on his lower lip in thought. “Says to rinse thoroughly to avoid irritation. Did you rinse thoroughly?”

“I used a baby wipe,” Mark mumbled. It sounded even stupider out loud than in his head.

“Okay, so that would be a  _ no.” _ A moment later, the water began to run, and Mark could hear Taeyong loosening the removable shower head. “Johnny, help me out.”

“What do you want help with?”

“Come, like… hold him open or something. I don’t want to touch his butt. It’s weird.”

_ “Is it less weird when I touch his butt?” _

"I only have two hands, and I'm holding the sprayer!"

“Will you guys just… decide who’s doing what?” Mark interrupted, doing his best to avoid raising his voice to be heard. “Because I’m still in a lot of pain.”

“Right. Sorry,” Johnny mumbled, sounding none too pleased. There was another moment of hesitation (Taeyong and Johnny probably glaring each other down) before Johnny knelt on the edge of the tub, his large hands spreading Mark’s cheeks wide.

Then the spray hit him—  _ unpleasantly _ warm,  _ unpleasantly _ harsh, and just about making him jump out of the tub. Instinctively, he grabbed for Johnny for support, and Johnny jumped up instantly to avoid him. “You’re going to get water everywhere! Hold still!”

“Guys, you  _ cannot  _ not tell me what he did,” Jaehyun’s voice was almost pleading outside of the bathroom door. Mark gritted his teeth.

“Jaehyun, make yourself useful and look up burn remedies,” Johnny instructed, returning to Mark’s side and grabbing onto his ass more firmly this time. “You wanted us to help you, so hold still! And maybe next time you’ll think twice before putting chemicals on your balls!”

“Got it!” Jaehyun’s voice came from  _ inside the bathroom, _ which chilled Mark to his very soul. He turned his head as Taeyong turned the water off; Jaehyun stood by the sink with a grin still plastered on his face, holding up a half-used bottle of honey and a pair of latex gloves. “The internet says honey is good for burns. Good thing I had the foresight to grab some gloves, huh?”

“Perfect. Thanks,” Taeyong spoke dismissively, clearly expecting that Jaehyun was going to drop off the supplies and leave, but no such luck.

“You made me do all that research and you’re not even going to fill me in?  _ Lame.  _ I even walked all the way downstairs to get that honey. Should we not tell Doyoung that we squirted all his honey into Mark’s ass, by the way?”

“Do  _ not _ tell him,” Mark interrupted before anyone else could, face hidden in his hands but ass still raised in the air. “Okay, since the entire world apparently has to fucking know, I put Nair on my ass. Now just—stand back and shut up,  _ please.” _

Of course, Jaehyun was incapable of following those instructions. Mark figured as much. “Would it be wrong of me to take a picture?” He asked cheekily, hoisting himself up onto the countertop to give everyone else a little more space. “I want everyone to know how stupid you actually are.”

Mark, completely bare and spread over the edge of the tub, groaned as he dropped his forehead against the smooth acrylic. “It’s not that weird!” He repeated, but the words carried even less weight as Taeyong opened the honey bottle with a sharp pop.

“It’s pretty fucking weird. Who cares if you have hair on your balls, everyone’s got hair on their balls. I mean, have you even  _ seen _ Johnny?”

Said man didn’t even try to argue, just shrugged in slight agreement as Mark sent him, yet another, pleading look.

“That’s easy for you to say,” Mark whined, “When was the last time you’ve even gotten any?”

Jaehyun snorted, “At least I actually  _ have. _ I’m pretty sure you’re still a virgin, judging by recent events.”

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong reprimanded, “Knock it off.”

“I’m just saying,” Jaehyun raised his hands in mock-surrender, “It’s not like he’s gonna be spread wide for everyone to gawk at.”

“Shut up!” Mark blushed even harder— though he suddenly lost his train of thought when he felt a cool and  _ weirdly  _ soothing drizzle at the top of his ass crack. His body was claimed by a tremor, and he snatched at Johnny’s arm again (which he was sure Johnny only allowed out of sympathy). “Fuck—  _ Taeyong—” _

“Just relax. If I’m gonna do this, I only want to have to do it once, so don’t mess it up,” Taeyong mumbled, his gloved fingers cupping Mark’s balls and spreading more honey over the tender skin. It made him hiss in pain at first, but true to what Jaehyun had said, it really did seem to soothe things a little bit. That was, until Taeyong’s latex-clad finger poked into his clenched-tight hole, and he quickly jerked forward.

“I didn’t put it  _ in _ my asshole. I swear.”

“Well, like I said, I’m only doing this once,” Taeyong replied, clearly disgusted. “How long do I leave this on here, anyway? This seems… weird. Jaehyun, is this really what we’re supposed to be doing?”

“That’s what it said,” Jaehyun shrugged again before pulling out his phone, “Honey has antibacterial properties, and—Oh…you know what? Maybe that’s just for regular burns, huh?”

“You fucking idiot,” Johnny groaned.

“Well, let’s hope he doesn’t get a yeast infection or something.”

Mark jerked in Johnny’s hold, eyes wide with panic as Jaehyun’s words registered, “What do you mean? Since when can guys get yeast infections? Taeyong-hyung, am I gonna get a yeast infection?!”

Taeyong seemed to have bigger concerns on his mind. Like disposing of his sticky gloves, primarily. The remainder of the honey came flying into the wastebasket next, tainted. “I…I don’t know? Jaehyun, look it up.”

“Are you sure Jaehyun looking  _ anything _ up is a good idea?” Johnny asked scornfully.

“All right, now,  _ listen—” _

“Hey!” A voice cut into the conversation from outside the bathroom door, the one voice that could just about make Mark’s heart stop. “Is my boyfriend still in there? Jungwoo texted me and said that Mark was crying in the bathroom with Taeyong. He’s worried that Mark’s getting kicked out of NCT. What gives?”

Of course, the timing was perfect, Donghyuck was just in time to see Taeyong rinse away the sticky mess he’d made of Mark’s ass. If he’d been five minutes later, Mark could have made up some half-assed story about stress-crying and Donghyuck probably would have been none the wiser. Instead, all he could do was frantically shake his head when Johnny and Jaehyun looked to him for instructions.  _ Do not let him know I’m in here! _

“Mark’s not getting kicked out of NCT,” Johnny finally answered, lamely, at the same time that Jaehyun reassured, “Mark’s going to be totally fine!”

“Okay, why are you both in the bathroom together? Is something going on?” Donghyuck’s voice went sharp with suspicion, and without warning, the door opened and Mark’s stomach dropped.

Jaehyun’s leg blocked the door from opening all the way, but it still opened enough for Donghyuck’s head to pop in. Enough for him to get an eyeful of the four of them crammed into the world’s smallest bathroom, Mark on his hands and knees, perfectly hairless balls dripping with honey.

_ “What.” _

Mark squeezed his eyes shut as Donghyuck’s voice echoed in the cramped room, flat and devoid of any emotion. 

“It’s…not what it looks like?” Johnny tried, suddenly very aware of Mark’s face pressed against his arm, likely trying to hide the embarrassment flushing his cheeks.

Donghyuck’s eyes narrowed, a sneer settling into his face, “It  _ looks  _ like Taeyong-hyung is knuckle deep in my boyfriend.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun hummed, “It’s pretty much what it looks like.”

Mark could only give Jaehyun an incredulous look before Donghyuck sighed, “Whatever,” and left the bathroom. 

_ “Jaehyun!” _

Said boy only shrugged at Taeyong’s glare, “He wasn’t wrong.”

Mark groaned, “Just—Just clean this off,  _ please.  _ I need to go talk to him before he decides he hates me and wants to break up.”

Taeyong, very awkwardly, removed the glove on one hand before placing it on Mark’s back, “I’m sure he wouldn’t  _ hate  _ you,” he tried, “But…yeah, maybe you should go talk to him.”

He finished cleaning Mark off as fast as he could, trying to be mindful of which areas seemed more tender than others. 

“Well, look on the bright side,” Johnny nervously laughed, “At least now you’re all…shiny?”

_ “Gee,  _ thanks,” Mark grumbled, “Give me that towel.”

He took the fluffy white bath towel from a still-smirking Jaehyun, climbing out of the tub with a hand securely placed in front of his dick, as if Taeyong wasn’t just  _ in _ him a minute ago, before wrapping the towel around his waist.

“I’m gonna…go,” He winced, thinking of Donghyuck’s narrow glare, “Thanks for…helping. I guess. Okay, this is awkward so I’m gonna  _ go  _ now.”

Mark didn’t wait for an answer before throwing the door open to leave. 

“Oh,” he paused, “Please don’t tell anyone about this?”

“I mean, five of the nine members already know—” Jaehyun began, but stopped mid-sentence with the faintest of blushes when Mark glared at him. It usually took a lot of pushing to piss Mark off, and fucking with his boyfriend was probably as much as he could take. “Okay. Okay, we won’t say anything. You have my word.”

_ I can’t be thinking about this right now, anyway. This is stupid. I should be thinking about Donghyuck. _ Mark  _ did _ have the forethought to stop in his room and put some pants on, sending his boyfriend a quick text while he was at it—  _ “I’m so sorry. On my way to your room now, I will explain everything, I am a dumbass.” _

Donghyuck’s response was nearly instantaneous: “☠" It made Mark sick to his stomach, but he took the stairs down to the 5th floor dorm anyway, determined to set things straight. Luckily, at the very least, he knew that there was no possibility of Johnny being in the room, so he was free to barge in without fear.

The sight inside broke his heart, actually made his chest ache: Donghyuck was sprawled out on his bed, and though he lifted his face when Mark entered, it was clear enough that he had been crying into his pillow.  _ I made him cry. Some boyfriend I am. _ “Don’t get a big head,” Donghyuck spoke bitterly, as though reading his mind, rolling onto his side to face the wall and avoid looking at Mark entirely. “I’m not broken-hearted over you. I had a seriously shit day, and this is just the cherry on top. But come give me whatever half-assed excuse you have for it, sure. I could use the laugh.”

Mark winced. Fuck, it even  _ sounded _ like a bad excuse, no matter how he phrased it. He took a couple seconds to collect himself before he walked over to Donghyuck’s bedside, perching delicately on the edge of the mattress touching his shoulder softly. “I’m really sorry you had a bad day, babe. I wish I could fix everything for you. You don’t deserve bad days.” He kissed Donghyuck’s cheek, feeling him bristle at the contact, and he sighed as he went on, “My excuse will probably make you laugh, though. Are you ready to hear it?”

“Just shut the fuck up and  _ tell me.” _

Mark gave Donghyuck’s shoulder a little squeeze. “Well… today, I— today I got a chemical burn on my asshole.”

Beneath his hand, Donghyuck stiffened again, in a very different way. Mark had tempted him into craning his neck to look at him, despite his resolve.  _ “What?” _

“Well, on my asshole  _ and  _ on my balls, but 90% on my asshole. It’s pretty gnarly. And then we put honey on it— well,  _ Jaehyun _ said we should put honey on it to soothe the burning, but turns out that only works for a heat burn, not one like this.” Donghyuck was fully facing him now, staring at him with eyes wide, absorbing every word. Taking advantage, Mark went back to fill in the details and make his point: “I tried to  _ just tell Johnny _ so that I wouldn’t have to go to the hospital or something, but he brought half the dorm with him, and Taeyong had to step in and play Mom as usual, and— I swear to God, that’s literally what happened. It sounds like the stupidest shit in the world, and if you don’t believe me, I guess I can’t blame you. Just… please don’t break up with me over this, Donghyuck. I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to think I was an idiot, but—”  _ Wait. _ He could see Donghyuck’s lips quivering, trying to hold back a smile, and he realized he’d talked himself into a corner, the worst part yet unrevealed.

“How did you get a  _ chemical burn on your asshole _ in the  _ first place?” _

Mark let out a long exhale, a tired excuse for a laugh.  _ “Aish.  _ I was hoping you wouldn’t ask me that question.”

_ “Tell me.” _ Donghyuck couldn’t hide it anymore, his smile was breaking through despite his very best efforts. His anger was in the past.  _ This _ was important.

“I— I put Nair on it because I was scared of shaving.” He could have left it there, too, but the words just kept tumbling out of his mouth, each one falling like a thousand-pound weight: “I had a lot of hair. I didn’t want you to think it was gross.”

“Men are  _ supposed _ to have hair on their butts! That’s  _ literally just what happens!” _

"It's not that weird!" Mark’s ears were burning, and he couldn’t help but get defensive: “You might potentially be the first guy to ever see me naked! I wanted to make a good impression!”

“Wait, so are you completely smooth right now? I got a glimpse in the bathroom, and— they  _ looked _ pretty smooth.”

“It’s all raw! I still need to figure out what to put on it. Actually, the honey didn’t feel half bad, until Taeyong hyung had to wash it off with hot water…” Mark bit his lip, feeling brave enough to lean over Donghyuck and kiss his lips. His mess of an apology must have been right, because Donghyuck’s mouth melted beneath his own. “But how about this?” he breathed as he pulled away, both of their smiles still lingering, “I’ll let you be the one to smear honey on my balls next time. Would that make you feel better?”

“No. Now that I know the whole story, that is exclusively Taeyong hyung’s job.” Donghyuck grabbed Mark gently by the hem of the shirt, tugging on him insistently until he lay down beside him. Big spoon, as always. “But since you are seemingly ready to talk about sex, we can start doing that. I definitely want to, and I prefer being on the bottom, as long as my hairy butt doesn’t gross you out too much.”

Mark groaned in embarrassment, and without thinking, he clasped a hand over Donghyuck’s mouth. “You’re not allowed to make fun of me any more! This is a real, serious thing that happened to me!” Of course, like he should have come to expect, Donghyuck retaliated by licking his palm, making him yelp in surprise and let go. “Don’t be gross! I mean it!”

“I am being serious! Besides, it seems like your butt is out of commission for a little while.” Donghyuck prodded back gently, but turned to face Mark and give him a kiss. “Just out of curiosity— your dick is fine, right?”

“Yes, I was smart enough not to put Nair on my dick.”

“I’m not  _ always _ trying to patronize you, you know! I’m just asking!” Donghyuck giggled quietly as he answered, and Mark had another snarky comment ready to go, until he felt Donghyuck’s hand inching casually up his thigh. “I was just  _ concerned. _ Poor baby. You had a harder day than I did, even. I wonder if I can help you out.”

For once, for perhaps the first time in his short life, Mark had the good sense to shut up.


End file.
